I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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