my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
