just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
