do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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