Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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