BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
