im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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