No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
do herpes really smell.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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