there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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