If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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