New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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