Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
