Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
