Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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