I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
