If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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