oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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