I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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