My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
