Hey man sorry I got all grabby
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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