you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
