"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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