I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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