she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
