If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
