I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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