We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
