Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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