A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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