Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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