I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
