Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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