my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
