Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
