I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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