You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
