just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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