You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
