its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
