True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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