i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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