So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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