she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Shame - the story of my life.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
