well I can't set my house on fire every night
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
