I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
