My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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