Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
God, I missed his penis.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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