My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
