FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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