i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
