Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Your penis caused this!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
