Did you just see the Batmobile???
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
